A written look back
Over the past years, months, days and even hours to be completly exact, I've learnt a lot about the painful, pit ridden, road of addiction. I have not been updating my blog here as thoroughly or as regularly as I would like, and that's because I've been off in another world. A world where I've been trapped by promise, manipulation, hope and good faith, but most strongly by a bond of love.
I am writing this as someone that has been on a constant quest my whole life to change people, to make them better, make them happy, not from a selfish point of view necessarily. I don't try to change hair style, dress sense, music they listen to or even opinion, that's why I love them, because of these things. Change them back to how they used to be. The best version of themselves. Objectively, not because I think so. Recover their natural best self. But sometimes that's impossible.
Fixated, that's a funny word isn't it, I became fixated on helping people, recovering their once perfect (to me) selves, their enjoyment for life and living. Fixate, fix. Personally when I think of the word fixate it comes with a lot of negative, unhealthy feeling. People rarely say I'm fixated on the positive, no, you're always compulsively fixated on the negative. Fix. To repair, to secure. Fixate, obsessive attachment. They become fixated on whatever high they think they need. I see maybe the word fix in fixate is to secure tightly those thoughts. I certainly don't see the fix in fixate as a way to repairing an unwelcome situation.
Acceptance of inablilty to have what you once had is difficult. To accept who they once were is no longer there, underneath probably somewhere in their soul, but I can't see that with my basic eyes, basic ears, basic mind. That requires a higher power, or at my best, faith and hope, and eventually you run out of those. When that happens it's time to let go, you are not the one holding all the power, they are. Only they can identify that change, commit to taking that forward, and never becoming complacent.
It's occurred to me however, that people I've met with addiction have more or less always had some form of bad outlook on the world, the inability to engage in introspection, and a hard time establishing truth and honesty. It's just before, I maybe didn't notice an addiction, it was maybe subtle, maybe I didn't want to see, there's a program for us all. Denial and honesty works to either condone or change. But it's this realisation that makes letting go hard. They maybe always had a problem, so what emperical method do I use to define then and now, that's impossible. You can still have a laugh, have a glimmer of the old person, but was there an old person, is it just the same person, maybe the problem here is I need to adapt, maybe I'm misinterpretating this whole thing, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. No. This is not the efficient way as someone who loves an addict to think.
No comments
Post a Comment